Being Kind AND Couragous
How to Tell Someone They Suck.
I spend a good portion of my days driving. So, the night before a long day in the car, I typically scroll through podcasts, download the ones I am interested in, and charge my Bluetooth earbuds. Although I have several sets of earbuds, I usually select the Bluetooth pair when driving or during the workday because they are equipped with a microphone that allows me to easily transition from listening to something to taking a phone call. They are, however, a few years old and have been sweated on, worn out, and torn apart. Even with bare wires showing, they are just one of those things that I have yet to replace.
Some people have mentioned that they have found it difficult to hear me when I’m using the Bluetooth earbuds. When this happens, I switch to my phone for the remainder of the calls. After hanging up, I typically forget about the issue and continue using them for calls. A few weeks ago, as I continued to wear out the microphone, my brother reminded me, “Your Bluetooth sucks. I can’t hear you.” But, once again, still not wanting to switch out my earbuds yet and then forgetting that it was even an issue, I continued to use them for phone calls.
See, I can’t hear myself on the Bluetooth. So, unless I’m reminded that they don’t work, it’s easy to forget. I naturally switch to the Bluetooth earbuds by habit and completely forget that I may not be coming in clearly for the other person. It was about two weeks later when I was chatting with my brother again on the way home from work when I heard yet another time, “Your Bluetooth sucks. I can’t hear you at all.” It was only then that I remembered they don’t work correctly and I need to get a new set.
I had been on at least eight other phone calls that same day. No one that I talked to would have been able to hear me clearly. But, the only one who had the courage to say anything was my brother. The others had just accepted the terrible audio, possibly making me sound muffled or like I was in a cave. Instead of letting me know so that I could make an adjustment, they just accepted the distorted audio and struggled through the conversation while trying to understand me. Without anyone having the courage to let me know, I was unaware of my shortcoming. Therefore, I couldn’t fix it. I could hear them fine and expected it was the same on the other side. I couldn’t see my fault.
We see this all the time in organizations.
- A plan is made and not fully understood by someone on the team. However, instead of asking for clarification, this person attempts to try to make it work and ‘wings-it.’
- There is a problem that needs to be discussed to produce the best work or to develop a team member. However, instead of discussing it properly as a team, the issue is overlooked. Later, team members become frustrated when things still haven’t changed.
- A team member is constantly fixing someone else’s mistakes but never teaches or sets the expectations for the other person on how to improve. Later, the team member who chose to fix the issue quickly without providing an explanation, becomes frustrated at the ‘incompetence’ of others.comm
These same concepts, like the earbud example, can be applied in other ways when looking at our day-to-day lives. What about someone has a booger hanging out of their nose? Do you have the courage to let them know, or does your stomach curl with nervous energy to let tell them? What if it’s your best friend? Your boss? Someone you just met, your mother-in-law, or a client…Does your level of courage change as you think about each person?
Many people think in either-or terms. That if you are nice, you can’t be courageous. Or if you are courageous, you can’t be nice. But to communicate most effectively, you have to be both. You must be considerate of the other person and, at the same time, you have to be courageous enough to speak up. You must be empathetic with the other person as well as confident.
In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey states;
“To achieve that balance between courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win/win.
If I’m high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? I will be strong and ego-bound. I will have the courage of my convictions, but I won’t be very considerate of yours. To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or my credentials, my seniority, my affiliations.
If I’m high on consideration and low on courage, I’ll be so considerate of your convictions and desires than I won’t have the courage to express and actualize my own.
High courage and consideration are both essential. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.”
In my relationship with my brother, for him to say, “Your Bluetooth sucks,” seems appropriate and not ego-bound. But, I also know that he has the maturity and courage to let anyone know if they couldn’t be heard well. He would ask for clarification if he didn’t understand. If the same situation existed with someone he works with, he would say, “Hey, it’s kind of hard to hear you.” He operates with both high courage and high consideration to be able to make his situations win/win. It seems simple because it is. Far too many of us have found ourselves either being too passive and getting frustrated with situations we have created trying to be ‘nice,’ or, on the other extreme, have found ourselves alienated by people when we have ‘told them how it is.’ The best path to clear communication is neither extreme; it’s BOTH.
The best organizations have both high consideration and courage in their communication. We need others to be kind and courageous to us so we can improve on our blind spots. We also need to be empathetic and brave enough to offer them the same.
The Way is both Kind AND Courageous.
