BE. All In.

This week I hit 2 years of sobriety from alcohol. 2 solid, unbroken years — no drinking at all.

At 6 months, I wrote about this and also posted it to Medium. (You can read that post here.)

This is still not the longest I have ever been sober. When I was 25, I started 2.5 years of sobriety before I dabbled with “controlled drinking.” (I’m 33 now). After 2.5 years with no drinks, I thought I could create rules that would make it so I could drink on my own terms, with no ill effects. I would only drink on the weekends, with just a limited number of drinks. I would try different brands, seeking the one that had all the good feelings without the bad effects. I tried not drinking whiskey, only going with beer. All of this was a complicated struggle and difficult to manage.

CRAP. I was “trying” really hard with “controlled drinking” and was not getting great results. I always felt like crap. Crap with shame around my drinking. Crap because I couldn’t stay committed. Crap because my body doesn’t like alcohol. I knew I was made for better, yet went down a path less than my best.

I’m not proud of breaking sobriety so many times. I like the idea of having 8 years of unbroken sobriety right now. “If I only I would have stayed sober” — I might think. BUT That’s not my story; this is….

MAKING A MOVE. These last two years have been different though.

My last drink was not a ‘down in the gutter story’ and was quite normal by all means. It was early December 2018. I put the kids to bed. Made myself a drink and watched some videos, and had a relaxing night. I woke up the next day feeling a little groggy. It wasn’t enough to keep me from working, and nothing a strong cup of coffee couldn’t fix, but I was done.

THAT’S IT. I felt that God’s purpose for me didn’t involve me drinking. Maybe I could have a few drinks at home, with very few negative side effects. But I knew those results would compound into a path that I didn’t want to be a part of anymore.

I’m 2 years into an 8-year sobriety journey that started when I was 25. That’s a 17-year path from when I first abused alcohol at 15–16, and I’m the best I have ever been.

THE STORY. This writing’s purpose is to give hope to someone who might be looking for some, and for me to process my own thoughts. It’s for me to recognize some addictive/obsessive behaviors I have, and bring awareness to them so they don’t run my life.

Today, I don’t struggle with not drinking. I don’t think about what I might be missing out on.

The math doesn’t work. For me and my story, alcohol always took away more than it ever added.

Today, I don’t share or preach from a mountain about my sobriety. I talk to someone if they ask. I share when appropriate. I reflect when some milestone comes my way. But today, I’m just not a drinker.

INDENTITY. My identity has changed. It’s like how I don’t eat fish, or I don’t like watching sports.

I just don’t drink. That’s it. So when someone says “Hey Nick, You want a beer?” I say, “No thanks.”

No games, gimmicks, or scripts on how to respond. I don’t take the first sip. I don’t smell the bottle. I don’t get caught up in some branding that says, ‘aged 1300 years — made from Viking settlers...’ For me, I’m done today. If I don’t drink today, I never have to worry about it again.

FINAL NOTES. I don’t know if I classify as an alcoholic, or just don’t do well with booze. But I know my life is better without it. And that’s just for me. You might have no issues with it. Maybe you struggle with chocolate cake, or social media, or maybe nothing. But if something is going on in your life that’s not working, you do have a choice.

I got tons of help when first getting sober. I worked a 12 step program and was part of AA on the regular for 2 years; I have been to and still do go counseling and therapy; I accepted Jesus as a personal savior. All of this makes my life better for everyone around me.

If you have something going on — it’s ok to say so. It’s ok to share, becasue once it’s out, it losses it’s power on you and you can be more alive, free and just yourself.

And that’s how I feel 2 years in; Free, alive, and finding more of myself.